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“Someday, after mastering the winds, the waves, the tides and gravity, we shall harness for God the energies of love, and then, for a second time in the history of the world, man will have discovered fire. - ”Pierre Teilhard de Chardin

On February 14th, whether people choose to celebrate; a third century martyr as their patron saint of lovers, or for secular reasons, it doesn’t change Valentine’s message; “love one another as you love yourself.” This seems rather straightforward, however, “the devil may truly be in the details.” Frequently, our inability to love ourselves in a healthy way hampers us from loving and being loved by others in a healthy way.

John Denver may have sung a self-fulfilling prophecy: “It’s by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done, to be so in love with you and all alone…” He wrote dozens (?) of love songs, achieved world fame and fortune, but sadly, ended up divorced from the one true love of his life that he immortalized in “Annie’s Song.” Not surprisingly, “Annie’s Song” is not Annie (Martell) Denver’s favorite; she actually preferred, “Perhaps Love” which John recorded with Placido Domingo. The song is filled with hope, dreams and passion, but with the melancholic caveat “perhaps.”

Eric Fromm wrote the classic, “The Art of Loving,” in which he described physical, mental and spiritual love, including the importance of loving God. In a huge irony, he ended the book by suggesting that the failure to learn how to love will be the downfall of Western Civilization. His marriage ended in a bitter divorce.

I frequently referred to Scott Peck’s, “The Road Less Traveled,” which included poignant examples of people striving for full humanness through physical, mental and spiritual growth. It was on the New York Times “top-ten” list for over 10 years and has sold over 10 million copies. He suggested that the greatest cause of human suffering in the US is the inability of people to “delay gratification.” In yet another sad irony, in his book, In Search of Stones, he admits that extramarital affairs led to his divorce and estrangement from two of his children.

Of the current 193 world nations, among those of over 100 million people, the US ranks #1 in per capita income and yet the marriage success rate is currently a paltry 50%. The rampant abuse of legal and illegal drugs (including alcohol) bears witness to masses of people not living in a state of loving harmony with themselves and others.

We had been married 15 years when Christie mentioned that she thought it would be a good idea for us to attend a “Marriage Encounter” weekend. I was “very busy” and thought our marriage was “just fine.” However, I agreed to read the pamphlet, which made matters worse. The weekend would not be held at a beautiful rustic retreat center, but at a Howard Johnson’s Hotel, along a freeway at Dublin, Ca.

However, after arriving at HoJo’s, it soon became clear that the beauty of the weekend was not scenery, but in the extraordinary mystery of marriage. The theme was Christian; however there were no clerics and the focus was on marriage and not evangelism. Basically, 12 couples, with dynamic marriages, agreed to spend a weekend sharing the secrets for their success. Some of the couples had been married 10 years, some 20-30 and one couple had been married 40 years. All of them radiated joy and love and many acted like newlyweds. Each couple presented a 20-minute talk, after which we were allowed to return to our room and discuss the points they made. There were no right or wrong answers, only creative ideas. We were encouraged to verbalize how each idea made us feel. One of the great lessons I learned was that “feelings are not right or wrong.” I was surprised and embarrassed to discover that I had wasted 15 years trying to make Christie feel like I felt. This process is usually easier for females and it took me a while to achieve something that came more naturally to Christie.

Each couple was unique and offered many constructive ideas. They did not discuss intimate aspects of their marriage, but one couple blushed as they shared that by focusing on the mental and spiritual needs of their partner, the intimate moments became more passionate and frequent. They admitted that, as “practicing Catholics,” this was a highly intriguing discovery. The thought of spirit-filled couples having dynamic sex lives had never occurred to me. I am smiling as I write this because I recently saw a nationally known psychiatrist (PBS) mention that the sex department in the female brain is located next to the new-shoe, flower and chocolate departments. One of the men described marriage as the original Hegelian Dialectic. He noted that females know and do things that males cannot know or do and visa-versa. And, it is only after total commitment that they are able to achieve levels of physical, mental and spiritual awareness that could not be achieved separately.

However, Billy Graham once quipped, “Show me a marriage without arguments and I will show you a marriage where one spouse is not necessary.” Our marriage was not without disagreements, however, the communication skills we gained were highly valuable.

Marriage Encounter proved to be an “ICU” experience designed to make good marriages better. We attended 35 years ago and in 4 months (God willing) we will reach 50 years of marriage. Needless to say, June 20 will be a once-in-a-life-time Valentine celebration.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Lowell H. Young, Author: Biodesign Out For A Walk
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“You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body”

C.S. Lewis

If Lewis is correct then love is a spiritual phenomenon and marriage is more about the union of two souls and less about the union of two bodies. The failure of couples to be intuitively or consciously aware of this is probably the most common cause of disharmony, heartbreak and divorce.

As one of the world’s great anthropologists, Loren Eiseley wrote passionately and powerfully about the physical, mental and spiritual evolution of man. There are hundreds of quotable quotes in his classic, “The Immense Journey,” but perhaps none is more profound than, “The Garden of Eden is a greater allegory than man has ever guessed.”

It is a stunning example of a scientist, who put his faith in empirical thought, suggesting that a Biblical allegory may possibly offer an explanation for the evolution of a human being with a soul or spiritual awareness. The intriguing suggestion that Adam and Eve were embarrassed and covered their genitals is reflected in nearly all of the earliest, pre-Judeo-Christian cultures who also felt the need to cover “their parts.” 😉 No such behavior is demonstrated in pre-human apes.

The uncharted mysteries of the allegorical “Garden” are many and vast and include the concepts of “original sin,” “original blessing” and the emergence of human values, consciousness and free will. These qualities are common to both males and females, but one of the greatest mysteries is the divergent evolution of male and female human sexuality. As an interesting aside, the Bible describes Eve being fashioned out of one of Adam’s ribs, however, all human embryos begin as female and male genetalia appear later and migrate out of the body to create a male.

Even so, all the embryonic and post-natal sexual development is designed to prepare for eventual procreation. This may or may not involve traditional institutions of courtship, love and marriage or some other alternative arrangements.

In Dianne Ackerman’s book, “The Natural History of Love,” she suggests that, due to an elongated human childhood, it is important for couples to be loving and compatible, especially during the formative years. This brings us to the role of love.

Erich Fromm’s, The Art of Loving, was required reading for one of my undergraduate courses. I recall the professor discussing the fact that Fromm was married two or three times and had several extramarital affairs. He was not being judgmental, but suggested that often there is a disconnect between the theory and practice of personal and social disciplines.

Fromm offers many creative ideas about the “art of love” however, his approach was humanistic. Like many followers of Darwin, he probably assumed that Darwin was an atheist. Even though he included “The Love Of God” in his book, he wrote: “Having spoken of the love of God, I want to make it clear that I myself do not think in terms of an theistic concept, and that to me the concept of God is only a historically conditioned one.” It seems strange that he would include a chapter on something he did not believe in. Ironically, further on in, The Art Of Loving, he predicted the decline of Western Civilization will be the result of the societal failure to practice the art of loving. I don’t know if his prediction was based on his own failures, but it is clear that he had no awareness of, or placed any value of the religious or spiritual importance in love and marriage.

Carl Jung, on the other hand, suggested that most human mental suffering was the result of a loss of a spiritual focus. He wrote:

“During the past thirty years, people from all civilized countries on the earth have consulted me. Among all patients in the second half of life—that is to say, over thirty five—there has not been one whose problem in the last resort was not that of finding a religious outlook on life. It is safe to say that every one of them fell ill because he had lost that what which the living religions of every age have given to their followers, and none of them has been really healed who did not regain his religious outlook.”

Jung achieved remarkable success, including helping patients address the growing problem of alcoholism. In fact, there are many who claim that his work led to the emergence of, “Uncle Bill’s” world-wide, 12-step treatment program called “Alcoholics Anonymous.”

Millions of recovering substance abusers are very familiar with steps 2 and 3

We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

We are living in a period of unprecedented material wealth with a converse decline in spiritual awareness. Alcohol and substance abuse are increasing, as is the urban crime rate. Psychologists, family counselors, and sociologists regard the decline in the number of healthy nuclear families as one of the biggest threats to our society. This trend will not likely be reversed unless couples find a spiritual center for their marriage. Sadly, based on his own personal experience, Fromm’s prediction may be correct.

marriage

Valentine’s Day—Joy and Sorrow

The Origin of Love—Marriage—Soul ?